The Breakup

Dear Defeat,
You have been a frequent visitor of mine over the past 40 years. A visitor that I’ve welcomed in, that I have offered a comfy seat, as well as a meal. At times you’ve shown up in my life as discouragement because I didn’t meet my expectations. Because, as a perfectionist, I could never quite meet the bar and so I welcomed you in, inevitably knowing that you would show up. You have, in a way, convinced me that I am in control by allowing you to stay in my life. This is true, I am in control of my self sabotaging behaviors that I run towards when I have you around. I haven’t wanted to feel your presence and have all too often turned to your cousin apathy, numbing myself by staying too busy or indulging myself in whatever craving I might have been having in that moment.

I have exchanged so much of my life by welcoming you in and being more than tolerant to your presence.

So, this is a break up letter. I know you will show up at my door, maybe for the rest of my life. I will choose to acknowledge you, but I will no longer welcome you in. In previous visits, I’ve allowed you to steal my love, my joy and my passion. I am writing to tell you that my one life is way too precious to give away to anything other than love, joy and the very best that I have to give.

In closing, thank you for showing me what doesn’t work and what I want to hold onto and create in my life.
Beyond grateful,
Jen

When I started this blog, I made a promise to myself to be as transparent as I could possibly be. I want to help others and I know that being transparent and vulnerable is the only way that I can do that.

These past four to six weeks have been a struggle for me. Probably since I first published this blog. Defeat has come to visit nearly everyday as well as apathy, all too often. My old thought patterns of not being good enough, coupled with, “who do I think I am that I may be able to help other people?” have in many ways crippled me, making me more anxious than I’d like to admit.

In fact, I was on the verge of skipping my entry this week. I had convinced myself that it wouldn’t matter, that I am not really helping anyone. Then, the fighter in me came out. The one that knows how fragile and precious this one life is. The one who will continue blogging and being vulnerable, even if it only helps one person. Because, whoever you might be, YOU are worth it. YOU are worth SO very much. Inside of you lies the power to change the world, to spread love, to create a movement, to love on the broken and to rebuild lives.

So, my friends, my message to you is that each and every one of you matter, so incredibly much. Do you have a visitor like defeat that you have been welcoming in? It is so human to carry these emotional patterns and definitely not something to judge yourself for, trust me, I’ve been down that road and it is a dead-end.  Is it time to break up with your visitor? To notice if they show up, but not welcome them in. The awareness of their presence is your golden ticket. If you can notice when they show up, you have a choice at that point whether or not to invite them in or to simply notice them and then turn away creating what you want for this one precious life that you have.