Do you run your life according to a checklist, a to do list? Do you listen to what your heart desires? Or do you fill all of the space up with noise, music, TV, podcasts, other people and being so busy you don’t have to hear that one small voice?
Most of us have defining moments from which we unconsciously create a pattern that enables us to survive anything difficult in our lives. Mine came after my parents divorce, when I decided I wasn’t good enough and that I couldn’t handle pain. From an early age I used perfectionism, exercise and food to hide behind my pain. I convinced myself that what I wanted didn’t matter, that I really didn’t matter. Becoming so focused on my external environment, I was able to create layers and layers that numbed out the discomfort that I felt from my earliest experiences with pain. I was able to starve it, so I didn’t have to feel pain, but in doing so I also temporarily drowned my inner voice.
You see, I come from a family who thinks the busier and more productive you are, the more of a contribution you are to your family, society, etc. God forbid you don’t stay productive 24/7, that would mean you are lazy and not worth anything. This family pattern merged well with the one I had unconsciously created to distract me from being present to my pain. For years I was lead by lists, goals and accomplishments that sounded good on paper. I had structured my calendar so much and booked myself so full, that I wouldn’t have idle time when my feelings could actually catch up with me.
I spent years trying to avoid the pain of not feeling good enough. If I did have some down time and encountered feelings that I was uncomfortable having, I would quickly block them out by planning my next goal, turning to a jar of peanut butter or by getting stuck in analysis paralysis about the next step I needed to make in my life, or in beating myself up for not being perfect in any and everything. If I was working towards something, I was too busy to feel the pain of unworthiness. If I was beating myself up for being able to do better, I was creating a distraction from the pain, much easier to handle than the pain I was running from, (or it was controlled and I was under the illusion it was better).
For years I constantly beat myself up, which dulled my lower emotions, but it also dulled the positive ones. I wasn’t able to get deep in my relationships, because I was numb from living this way. I had taken on this survival technique when I was little that allowed me to escape the dysfunction of my environment. It was my cocoon, that turned into a source of pain that I could control as an adult. Because isn’t pain better, if you are the source of it? I operated from this place for so long, I didn’t know my inner voice from the one I had created to survive. Over the past few years I’ve stripped away these layers of pain and protection, don’t get me wrong I still have a long ways to go. By stripping this away, my inner voice has gotten louder.
I can distinguish my inner voice from my survival mode because one makes me feel free and serves me to be the best version of myself, and the other leaves me feeling caged and empty. I still have the tendencies to spread myself thin and to run to peanut butter chocolate anything when the lower emotions of stress, sadness and anxiety come up. However, I know that the keys to my kingdom lie in slowing down, meditating, journaling, spending time with friends and family that bring out my best, spending time in nature, with my maker and by including a whole lot of laughter into my life. Honoring my inner voice means saying no, even when I feel I may let someone down, in resting when I need the rest, and in choosing activities that provide joy and fun. I listen to my body and if I am asked to do something and have a heavy or wrong feeling in response to it within my body, it means it’s not for me. If it feels right and light, I know that it will serve me to become involved.
I am certain that had I continued on the path of starving my soul, I would never have had a full life, the life I was created to live. I would pass this pattern down to my children. I would get to the end of my time here with many regrets, a whole lot of sadness and holding more pain than I could manage. Learning how to cope with lower emotions is a process and one that I continue to work on. However, I’ve been able to feel the high ones, once again. The beauty of life lies in the contrast between the low and the high emotions. The only way for me to be my best version and to serve the world from the fullest place possible is to continuously listen to my inner voice. To honor, cherish and love it. I can tell you that this road has been the most challenging I have ever chosen, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. I love my life these days. Each day I am inspired to create amazing moments and help others to do the same. Are you being lead by your wound or your spirit? Join me on the only road to true fulfillment, friends!
Jenniferoney.com 